When we talk about being at War or at Peace on our workshops, there is often an assumption that being at Peace equals taking the soft option. Some people actually hold on to being at War precisely because they feel that moving to being at Peace will allow others to ‘win’, whether that means getting their own way, being forgiven for a grievance or being able to cross boundaries they’ve been pushing at for a long time.
In actual fact, being at Peace doesn’t mean being a pushover at all – far from it. And we can perform the very same actions from both places but experience them very differently. Think about smiling because you’ve seen someone you like across a room, then compare it with forcing a smile when you see a colleague you don’t get along with because it’s expected – the behaviour is the same, but your experience (and most likely theirs) is quite different.
One action that sees a lot of War is when we say ‘yes’. Saying a dutiful yet resentful ‘yes’ to something that we don’t want to do but feel we ought to is often perceived as a peaceful act, but puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.
When Paul said yes to leading the Steering Committee, despite already being overwhelmed with work he’d already said too many dutiful yeses to, he felt as though he was doing this to please his boss. Whilst his boss was pleased that Paul was so agreeable to his requests, Paul’s resentment at the extra responsibilities acted as a slow and steady poison to their working relationship – hardly pleasing to anyone.
When we are at Peace, we are simply being ourselves, so it is an effortless place where we are interacting with people without thinking about it and without expending masses of energy. Being at War on the other hand takes a great deal energy and head space, often leading us to feel anxious about meeting someone, replaying our conversations with them in our heads and feeling resentment, anger, hurt or wanting to avoid them altogether.
Consider the following scenarios – is it possible to do these whilst being at Peace?
- Fire someone
- Leave someone
- Report someone to the Police
In fact it’s possible to do all three of these things being at War or at Peace – and yet our experience (and invariably the people on the receiving end of us) will be quite different, with one feeling intense and stressful and the other feeling okay, because when we are at Peace and just being ourselves, we naturally behave with integrity and in accordance with our values, so when those ‘tough’ options are the right ones, they don’t feel tough. When we’re at Peace, there are no tough and soft options, there are simply options, we’ll know which one to choose and we’ll naturally take responsibility for the choice we made.
Sounds much easier doesn’t it?
Over to you
- When are you saying yes when you really want to say no?
- What responsibility are you taking for the choices you are making?
- Notice the times today when you are just being yourself – this is how it feels when you are at Peace
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you, or someone you know, would like to experience and understand more about being at War and learning how to be at Peace, even with the people we find most difficult, our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 16 October. Spaces sell out quickly, especially our reduced priced tickets, so if you would like to attend, do book yours today.
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Why being at Peace doesn’t make you a pushover
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©Halcyon Global 2015
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