With Mother’s Day coming up, the shop shelves are groaning with a huge array of sugar-sweet card and gift ideas for you to buy for your mum. It should be easy to pick something to send, right?
If you have ever had the sinking feeling of realising that the traditional Mother’s Day fare doesn’t match up with your relationship with your mum, you are not alone.
Every year, Amy stood in the card shop, trying to find a card for her mum. Their relationship was complicated, and the printed cards with their pink hearts and messages of love and thanks didn’t fit at all. Neither did the feisty, ‘girls together’ sort. And she certainly wasn’t the ‘Best Mum in the World’. The longer Amy stood in the shop, the greater her feelings of hurt and rage that she didn’t have the sort of mum portrayed in the cards.
Amy’s mum had not been abusive or neglectful, but Amy had always struggled to get her approval and felt that her mum was disinterested and slightly aloof. When Amy came to the War to Peace workshop, she realised that she had been at War with her mum for years and would be constantly looking for ‘proof’ of her distance whenever they were together. She had tried for many years to make her mum proud and this had badly affected her self-esteem. Although they didn’t have many arguments and their relationship was okay, the contrast with the stereotypical mum of the Hallmark variety highlighted Amy’s inner feelings of conflict.
By working through the Spiral of Disempowerment™ and with the help of some flashes of insight from the Pathway to Peace questions at the workshop, Amy began to be able to see a little of her mum’s view of things. She felt herself relaxing and letting go of some of the resentment that she felt towards her mother. In the weeks and months after the workshop, Amy worked on her own confidence so that her feelings of self-worth were separated from the need for her mother’s approval until she was able to feel at Peace when they were together and she began to enjoy her mum’s company for the first time in years.
When the next Mother’s Day came around, the card shop scenario was still uncomfortable but Amy recognised the signs of being at War and moved to the art card section instead. There, she picked out a beautiful card in her mother’s favourite colours and wrote a simple but heartfelt message inside. She accepts that her relationship with her mother will never be the stuff of chintzy, mass-market greetings and, whilst sometimes she still struggles with that, she is grateful for the unique relationship they do have and has learned to be thankful of her mother’s approval without seeking it out.
Over to you
Could you be letting a stereotype of the role a loved one cloud your perception of their actual personality and behaviour?
Are you depending on someone else’s approval for your self-esteem? How can you build your own confidence without relying on someone else’s approval?
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you know someone who would benefit from a fresh view of a parent or loved one, our next open-access War to Peace workshop with spaces is in London on 13 June. To book your space, click here.
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Move away from the chintzy mass-market idea of mum to recognise your unique relationship.
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©Halcyon Global 2014
photo credit: Scorpions and Centaurs via photopin cc
I really enjoyed reading this post and it totally hits the nail on the head for my own relationship with my mother, which did not fit the chintzy hearts and roses ideal one iota!
We were never close and whilst she was alive I constantly felt the need to defend myself against her undermining and critical comments. And I loved her and I knew she loved me (well, most of the time).
Our relationships rarely match the ideal templates presented by our culture/mass media and for me that’s cause for celebration. Give me a ‘real’ relationship, warts and all, any day.
Many years on and with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that she was trying to protect me in her own way. If only there had been ‘War to Peace’ workshops available back then! You are doing such valuable work of healing.
Thank you for such a heartfelt comment Linda that typifies so many of our experiences with a parent.
I’m so pleased that you have been able to look back upon your relationship with your Mum and see, with the benefit of hindsight, her positive intent. This is one of the many ways in which we seek to help people to feel differently about their relationships and, as I know from my own experiences, it is so valuable to find ways of being able to do this, as it means that we get to feel differently without the other person needing to change.
I know what you mean, I often used to wish that War to Peace had been available to me during all the years I struggled with my friends, family and work colleagues! These days, I am deeply appreciative that my considerable struggle has led to creating something that helps people to reach a place of peace so much more quickly and constructively. I have no doubt that your experiences will be similarly helping others with the work you now practice.
Warmly,
Chloe
This blog resonated with me so much as I have had a difficult relationship with my mother over the years and i too have been in that card shop feeling sad, angry and inadequate. In coming to a real acceptance and appreciation of my mother in the last few years, I have during that period gladly turned my back on the ready made cards and either made my own or found a blank card with a beautiful picture that means something to the both of us. I have then honoured our relationship by writing something in that card that is from my heart and that tells my mother something about her that I treasure. I have found that by taking some time to think of what I am grateful for in my mother, and then knowing my mother is going to read my feelings towards her in words that I have composed has been of such value to both of us. So I say ignore the bog standard pre-written messages and rhymes, get creative and be inspired by your relationship with your mother