The free and unexpected gift

Aaron arrived home over an hour late from work and tripped over his daughter’s toy the moment he walked in the house.  He launched into a tirade of expletives, gesticulating wildly as he complained about the state of the house. His daughter clung to her mum and started to cry as Aaron pounded his fist in frustration on the kitchen work surface. Aaron’s wife put her arms around the little girl, reassuring her that daddy wasn’t cross with either of them, but she cowered a little herself, unsure how to reach out to the man she loved. She knew the toy had nothing to do with his mood and that it was his manager who had wound him up again…

Sure enough, once their daughter was tucked up in bed and Aaron had calmed down, he related a long tale about how his manager had failed to turn up to a meeting on time, causing the whole team to have to delay an important decision. He also complained about how his manager had loudly and aggressively chastised one of his colleagues that afternoon, resulting in the other team members becoming anxious and unproductive for the rest of the day. Aaron took a large swig of beer and looked resigned.

After listening for a while, Aaron’s wife gently put her hand on his shoulder and asked him whether he recognised any traits in common with his manager. Aaron became defensive and strenuously denied being anything like him. Yet as he lay in bed that night, the frightened face of his daughter that evening flashed before his eyes. Hadn’t his anger led to his daughter being nervous, just like his team had been of the manager that afternoon? Hadn’t he been late home most nights in the past fortnight? Aaron found his mind waging an internal battle as he justified his behaviour to himself, but the more he thought about it honestly, the more he realised that the lateness and aggression that riled him in his boss were the very things he fought hard against in himself. He had completely plausible reasons for being late and found it easy to excuse himself, but he couldn’t ever seem to let his manager off the hook. He lay awake for hours, thinking about his own explosive temper and how it affected his family, friends and colleagues.

Aaron found that once he had attended a War to Peace workshop, he developed a great deal more understanding and compassion for both himself and his manager. Though his boss’s flare-ups were still frequent and irritating, they didn’t affect him so much and Aaron found himself being able to clearly express what he wanted to say without the aggression that had plagued him for years. Work became much more enjoyable for Aaron as his team noticed the change in him and began to seek him out as the person to calm down the situations that were boiling over in the office. With this came a much easier transition from work to home, which means that Aaron is now the husband and dad he has always wanted to be.

Over to you

Next time you feel yourself in conflict with someone, gently ask yourself whether the things that irritate you about them are ones you hold in common. It might not be that you demonstrate them quite as forcefully or frequently as the person you are struggling with, but if you are being really honest with yourself, can you recognise some of the traits that you both share? Know that this person is offering you a free and unexpected gift that is yours to keep. The question is, what will you do with it?

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?

If you know someone who would benefit from a fresh view of a colleague, parent, neighbour or loved one, our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 13 June and we have just ONE space left. To book your place, click here.

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What would you do with a free and unexpected gift (especially if it’s not something you want?)

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©Halcyon Global 2014