Remember this Fun Boy Three and Bananarama song?
It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it. It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it. It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it. And that’s what gets results.
There’s a good message in those words.
Imagine you are making a cup of tea for someone. It’s a pretty everyday action, but what’s going on underneath this action has the potential for it to be received as an act of kindness or something much more underhand. And this will depend on whether we are ‘at War’ or ‘at Peace’ with that person. Taking the tea in to a loved one who is working hard and you want to give them a break will be experienced very differently from delivering one grudgingly because you know your uppity manager expects it on his or her desk at a certain time. The action is the same; the undercurrents and impact are very different.
Often, when people are in conflict with others in their life, they will try to change their actions in an attempt to improve their relationships. However, unless these action changes are underpinned with changes in intention and feeling, they will have little effect.
In our War to Peace workshops, we look at how examining our beliefs and perceptions about a person we are in conflict with can help us to quickly be at Peace with them. Our actions may change as a result, or they may stay the same, but how we feel towards the person will have changed dramatically. This takes a huge emotional load off our shoulders as well as helping to ease the difficult relationship.
Peter’s story
Peter and his wife Sarah had a small baby and were both feeling the effects of months of broken sleep. Peter felt resentful that he had to get up early to get to work whilst Sarah was still asleep. Sarah felt resentful that Peter got a break from the constant demands of the baby when he went to work. Each day, when he got home from work, Peter would ask Sarah how her day had been. But Peter confessed in the workshop that a hidden agenda had crept into his question: he admitted that there was an element of competition as to how bad the day had been and how tired they were. Any positive news from either of them was generally met with a slight irritation from the other, and an expectation that they would be the one pacing the floor with the baby on their shoulder at 3am. Peter realised that he had unwittingly slipped into being at War with Sarah.
During the workshop, our Three Perspectives exercise helped Peter to view himself through Sarah’s eyes and to understand how she might feel. When the time came to choose what action he was going to take to improve their relationship, he decided to carry on doing the same thing – asking Sarah how her day had been – only this time, he was at Peace when he asked her. Now, he really listened to her answer, he cared about what she said, and was genuinely pleased for her if things had gone well.
When we heard back from Peter a few weeks after the workshop, he was delighted: “We’re still super tired but we’re helping each other through it now and we are both in a much more positive place with ourselves and with each other – thank you so much!”
Over to you
Notice any feelings of resentment you have in your everyday actions. If you find yourself grumbling (internally or externally) when you do something for someone, imagine what it’s like to be on the receiving end of you when you’re like this. Now that you have been reminded that “it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it”, what internal changes will you make this week?
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you know someone who would benefit from learning how to change the feelings behind their actions, we are running our next open-access War to Peace workshop in London on 13 June (just 4 spaces left). To book a space, click here.
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‘Why Bananarama were right all along…’
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©Halcyon Global 2014
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