Conflict with others is something we all experience. Whether it’s a challenging colleague, a family member who doesn’t understand your perspective, or a friend whose behaviour leaves you feeling drained, we all encounter difficult people at some point. It’s a universal struggle. The question is, how do we handle these difficult people without losing our sense of self, or letting the situation escalate?
When we find ourselves dealing with difficult people, it’s easy to become reactive—defensive, angry, or frustrated. But the good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. By shifting our approach from reactivity to composure, we can transform our interactions with others and regain a sense of peace and control, even in the most challenging situations.
This is where the War to Peace® methodology comes in.
From Reactivity to Composure
At the core of War to Peace® is the idea that we all have two ‘ways of being.’ One is reactive—what we call being in the Red, where emotions run high, and we act impulsively. The other is grounded and balanced -what we call being in the Green, where we respond thoughtfully and with composure.
It’s important to remember that the Red and the Green are not states we permanently reside in; they are ways of being. In the Red, we may feel emotionally triggered, defensive, or reactive. This is where our ‘adaptive child’ shows up, reacting based on past experiences and automatic emotional responses. But, in the Green, we operate from our wise adult self—calm, clear, and composed, even in the face of conflict.
The key to managing difficult interactions is recognising when we’ve slipped into the Red and learning how to shift back to the Green, where we can approach situations with clarity and calm.
The Spiral of Disempowerment™ and How to Break It
When we’re in the Red, we’re caught in a loop of reactivity. This is what we call the Spiral of Disempowerment™– a cycle where emotions trigger defensive behaviours, which in turn trigger further reactions from others, escalating the conflict. The more we react, the deeper we go into the spiral, losing sight of the true issue at hand.
For example, imagine a colleague criticising your work in front of others. Initially, you might feel embarrassed, but soon, the criticism turns into anger. Your inner dialogue might sound something like, “How dare they speak to me like that!” or “They’re trying to undermine me.” From there, you react defensively, either by fighting back or shutting down. This escalates the conflict and leaves you feeling disempowered.
The good news is that you can break the cycle. The first step is to recognise when you’re in the Red. Awareness is key. When you notice yourself feeling triggered, ask yourself:
- What am I believing right now? In that moment, you have made up a story about the other person that you believe to be true.
- How is this belief (story you’ve invented) affecting my emotions and actions?
- What else could their behaviour mean? (e.g. if I wasn’t believing the story I’ve made up).
Shifting from Red to Green: The Power of Composure
Shifting from the Red to the Green doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or suppressing your emotions. It means acknowledging them and choosing a more resourceful, grounded response. Instead of reacting impulsively, you respond with composure, clarity, and care.
Being in the Green means approaching the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness, seeing the other person as an equal rather than an adversary. It means setting clear boundaries without blame and maintaining a calm presence, even in the midst of tension.
To do this, you need to develop an awareness of your emotional state and the stories you tell yourself. These stories can fuel the conflict, making it feel personal or threatening when, in reality, it may not be. By becoming more aware of these underlying beliefs, you can shift your perspective and approach difficult situations with composure.
Tools for Lasting Change
The War to Peace® methodology provides practical tools to help you shift from reactivity to composure. By exploring the dynamics of conflict, identifying your triggers, and reflecting on your situation through a new lens, you can learn to navigate even the most challenging relationships with ease.
The most important thing to remember is that this is a skill you can develop. The more you practise, the more natural it will become to handle difficult people without losing your composure. And the more you stay grounded in the Green, the more at ease you will feel, regardless of the situation.
Are you ready to start your journey from Reactivity to Composure?
Join Us for the War to Peace® Workshop on 31st January 2025
If you’re ready to take the next step and deepen your understanding of how to navigate conflict effectively, join us for the War to Peace® workshop on 31st January 2025. During this immersive session, you’ll learn practical tools and mindset shifts that will help you shift from The Red to The Green and create lasting transformation in your relationships.
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