Filter, feelings and writing lists in the car

You are probably aware that you are bombarded with information every second of every day, but have you ever considered how you deal with it?

This information includes physical sensations (e.g.hot or cold you are); visual input such as the clutter on the desk; sounds of people chattering on the train home or the dull roar of an aeroplane overhead; smells of dinner cooking or petrol fumes; and tastes of a hastily grabbed sandwich or your gourmet supper. And all of this is before we consider what’s going on our ever-busy minds whilst we plan our presentation, wonder what to cook tonight or worry about a conversation we had yesterday.

Imagine if we were fully present to all the stimuli we receive every second. We wouldn’t last long before we felt our minds blowing! This is why our brains have to create filters to sort out what is important to focus on right now (the car coming towards us at speed) and what is not (the empty coffee cup by the laptop).

Have you ever been completely absorbed in a long task and then realised you haven’t eaten anything for hours? Your focus was probably entirely on the task and not on the hunger pangs, until your body started nudging you more urgently.

Our world view

Our minds also filter out information that doesn’t correlate with our view of the world or our opinions. Worried about the presentation you did? Are you going to give most head space to the 10 people who told you it was great, or the one person who said it wasn’t? Think that women are a nightmare to work for? Guess which anecdotes you’ll be paying most attention to.

When we are at War, we often tell ourselves a story about the person or situation that has irked us: ‘my boss never thanks me when I put in extra hours’, ‘my partner does nothing to help around the house’, ‘my kids only call when they want some money’. When that story has cemented itself in our heads, our subconscious actively goes out looking for evidence of its truth: we actually wait for them to prove us right, and feel oddly satisfied and vindicated when they do.

In the War to Peace workshop, we explore how to break down these stories so they don’t have such a hold over us. One participant, Ruth, a teacher who had been struggling with her Head of Department, decided that she would further the work she had done on challenging her long held beliefs and perceptions about this woman, and actively seek out the positives in her boss.

“Each day, when I got into the car to drive home, I would write down things that she had done that day that I admired, respected or appreciated,” said Ruth. “I made a rule that there had to be at least one thing per day. At first, I had difficulty finding things to write, but by changing my focus to look for the good stuff, I found myself actually having to choose what to write down after a few days, as there were invariably several things in any given day. Also, the things she did that would previously have wound me up barely registered. I couldn’t believe how quickly changing my filters helped me to change how I felt towards her.”

Over to you

When you find yourself in conflict with someone, notice the story that you are telling yourself and how you ensure you are ‘right’ about that person. Use the Spiral of Disempowerment ™ tool to explore what is factual and what you are making up about them.

Take a leaf out of Ruth’s book and look for the things that you can admire, respect or appreciate about about a person you find difficult. Notice your filters changing.

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?

If you know someone who would benefit from learning how to change the filters through which they see their relationships with their family, colleagues and friends, we are running our next open-access War to Peace workshop in London on Friday 28 February (only 3 spaces left). To book a space, click here.

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‘What is fact and what is fiction in your relationships?’

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©Halcyon Global 2014