Fiona had a reputation for being someone who always listened carefully, never gossiped and often asked a question that would enable her colleagues to see problem from a new angle. Her colleagues and even her boss would regularly turn to her if they needed an ear for their work or home troubles
When Fiona came to the War to Peace workshop, she spent most of the morning listening quietly, asking questions and supporting the others in the group. It was easy to see how she had earned her office status as the ‘go to’ person.
So it was a surprise to her workshop partner when Fiona had no hesitation in describing someone she found difficult: “My boss,” she said. “He really, REALLY winds me up.”
She blinked away a tear. Her workshop partner paused, then moved on to the next question that was about how Fiona was being when she was around him.
“You wouldn’t see any difference to how I am with everyone else – I smile, I listen, I work hard, but it’s like I’m constantly suppressing the urge to slap him. The things he’s shared with me! The time I’ve spent listening to him! He always trumpets on about what a star I am – the foundation stone of the whole team, apparently, but then CONSTANTLY passes me up for any promotion or decent project work. It’s as if he can’t see me as anything other than his pocket sounding board! Yet I sit on my hands, keep quiet and go home and cry.”
Fiona visibly deflated, then began to sob. “I am a peacekeeper,” she said, “that’s why I don’t say anything. But sometimes I worry it’ll all come out when I’m least expecting it and I’ll lose everyone’s respect – and maybe even my job.”
Later that day, in one of the workshop discussions, Fiona had an epiphany. When the leader was talking about shifting emotional states rather than suppressing them, she saw the key to managing her feelings around her boss. Here’s what she said in her follow up call a fortnight later:
“It may sound silly, but I had felt really stuck with this. I couldn’t see a way of changing anything, as I was already maxed out keeping my mask on at all times to maintain the peace in the office. As it was, I was doing a very good job at that but I was paying the price with my own energy. During that discussion I saw what seems so obvious now – that the one thing that I could change, that would have the most effect and was easiest to control, was me and my feelings. Suppressing my anger had been an incredibly unresourceful state for me and was draining me utterly. By looking at how I could shift my state rather than suppressing it, I could recharge. I chose to enrol in a boxing class which channelled some of my unwanted adrenaline and I also journalled my anger if I’d had a particularly bad day. Doing this enabled me to shift my internal feelings and really powered me up – enough, in fact, to be able to talk to my boss and have a conversation about a big project I really wanted to work on. I’m pleased to say I’m joining the project team next week and I’m delighted!”
Fiona’s team probably haven’t observed much change at all in their colleague and unofficial ‘go to’ person – she’s still a great listener and calming influence around the office. But for Fiona, everything has changed – she no longer cries at night and her interior matches her exterior again.
Over to you
Does your interior experience match your exterior projection? If not, what is it costing you?
If you are suppressing your emotional reactions, how could you shift them instead?
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you know someone who could benefit from learning to shift their emotional state, our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 20th March 2015. To book a space, click here. Don’t miss out – we’ve sold out long in advance during the past 18 months!
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How to make your interior experience match your exterior projection.
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©Halcyon Global 2014
photo credit: Phil Dowsing Creative
Please note, any participant stories that are used in our blogs are published with full permission from our participants. Sometimes participants give us permission to use their story and request that we use a different name to maintain their privacy.
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