A large bonfire burning brightly at night, with glowing embers rising into the dark sky. The flames illuminate the surrounding trees, symbolising release, transformation, and the power of emotions.

Why we react the way we do isn’t always obvious. Sometimes, emotions seem to take over out of nowhere – frustration in a meeting, irritation with a colleague, shutting down in a difficult conversation.

We all carry things we haven’t fully processed.

And what we don’t process? We project – onto our colleagues, our teams, our relationships.

Maybe it’s the anger that flares up faster than it should. Or the person who instantly puts you on edge, even if you don’t know why. Or the resentment you can’t shake, no matter how much time has passed.

These aren’t just feelings. They shape how we lead, how we communicate, how we handle conflict.

So what do we do when we find ourselves reacting in ways we don’t fully understand?

Sometimes, we try to suppress it. We tell ourselves we’re fine. We push through. We focus on the next meeting, the next deadline, the next task.

But what we push down doesn’t disappear.

It finds its way out – whether in irritability, exhaustion, frustration with others, or conflict we didn’t mean to create.

And when we finally acknowledge it – if we even do – what does the world say?

  • Move on. (As if it were that simple.)
  • Time heals all wounds. (As if some things could ever be forgotten.)
  • Forgive. (As if that would undo what was done.)

None of this helps.

Because this is bigger than words.

This is a rupture. And if you are carrying something like this, you do not need trite advice. You need something real. Something that works.

This isn’t about ‘forgiveness’ or ‘moving on’ – it’s about understanding how unprocessed experiences shape the way we show up in life, at work, and in our relationships.

The Fire That Burns Inside You

At times, you may feel like you are on fire.

Not in the way people mean when they say “She’s on fire!” No. This is a fire that consumes.

A fire of fury, grief, and injustice. A fire that could burn the whole world down if it got the chance. A fire that, if you’re honest, scares you a little – because what if it never stops?

You don’t need to ‘calm down.’ You don’t need to ‘rise above it.’ You need to let this fire burn clean.

Because if you don’t, it will keep burning you.

There is a difference between feeling your rage and being consumed by it.

  • Feeling your rage means allowing it. Letting it move through you. Giving it a space to exist without turning it into a weapon – against yourself or anyone else.
  • Being consumed by rage means feeding it. Keeping the fire alive with more stories, more justifications, more ways of proving just how wrong it all was.

And it was wrong. Let’s be clear about that.

But keeping the fire alive doesn’t punish the people who hurt you. It punishes you.

So what do you do instead?

Step 1: Let It Burn (But Not at You)

This is not about suppressing your rage. It is about giving it a safe place to exist so it does not destroy you.

If you need to scream, scream. If you need to punch a pillow, punch. If you need to write out every ugly thought in your head, do it.

But do not turn it into a weapon – against yourself or anyone else.

Do not lash out. Do not shrink yourself. Do not keep replaying the story in a way that leaves you small, stuck, and swallowed whole.

Let the anger move through your body. Let it have space. It is not too much. You are not too much.

You are moving through this.

Step 2: Feel the Grief Beneath It

Rage burns hot, but beneath it, there is always grief.

And this grief is heavier than the rage.

Rage can make you feel powerful. It has an energy to it. A sharpness. A clarity. Grief, on the other hand, can make you feel like you will collapse under its weight.

But if you do not let yourself grieve fully, you will stay trapped in the rage.

Step 3: See What’s Keeping You Stuck

Some wounds are so big that we build our whole identity around them.

We become the person who was betrayed. The person who was abandoned. The person who suffered injustice.

And all of this is true.

But if this is the only truth you hold, it will trap you.

So, ask yourself:

  • What am I holding on to?
  • How is this story shaping the way I see myself?
  • If I weren’t holding this pain so tightly, who would I be?

This is not about excusing what happened. This is about freeing yourself from it.

Because the past is done. But you? You are still here.

And when we don’t realise how these past wounds are shaping us, they don’t just stay in the past. They show up in how we handle conflict, how we react to difficult people, how we build – or struggle to build – relationships.

They can make us defensive, quick to anger, or desperate to avoid confrontation altogether.

The past doesn’t just affect how we feel – it affects how we engage with others.

Step 3.5: Meaning, or Just Survival?

A friend recently told me, “Stop polishing the turd. Don’t try and make it nice.”

She doesn’t want to hear there’s a silver lining or that she’ll be grateful one day.

And I get it.

While I try to find meaning in some of what I’ve experienced, I also know this – there are often times I would rather it hadn’t happened.

If the idea of finding a lesson in your suffering feels impossible, you’re not wrong.

You don’t have to forgive, reframe, or make peace with it.

You just have to find your way through.

And you can.

Step 4: Choose What Happens Next

No one else can decide what happens from here.

Not the people who hurt you. Not the people who tell you what you should do.

You decide.

And here’s what I want you to know:

  • You do not have to forgive.
  • You do not have to ‘be the bigger person.’
  • You do not have to let this define you.

But you do get to choose who you want to be on the other side of this.

What This Means for Your Relationships and Conflict

Pain that hasn’t been processed doesn’t stay hidden. It finds a way out – often in the way we handle conflict, in the relationships we struggle with, in the ways we react when we feel threatened.

It can show up as defensiveness, withdrawal, aggression, or shutting down completely. It can make us distrustful, reactive, or avoidant, even when the current situation isn’t the same as the past one.

If you recognise yourself in any of this, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means something has happened to you. And that matters.

Understanding this isn’t about fixing yourself – it’s about giving yourself the choice to respond differently.

When you’re ready to explore a different way forward, I’d be glad to help you.