As a child, Emily had a bit of puppy fat, which her brothers and the kids at school would tease her about mercilessly. Even though she had grown out of it by her early teens, her family nickname, ‘Chubs’, still stuck into adulthood, as did her shame about her body.
Emily is now a dynamic and sought-after senior systems engineer, admired by many in her industry. A great people person and delegator, she inspires and motivates her colleagues and can command a room with ease and grace. Yet, until recently, she was at War with herself and being triggered on a daily basis.
‘Chubs’ still looked back at Emily from the mirror every morning as she got dressed. Sometimes, Emily would ignore this, her head full of strategy or meeting agendas, but sometimes Chubs would take her unawares, making her feel uncomfortable in her own skin and causing her to become unusually aggressive or defensive. When an important occasion or chance to dress up came along, Chubs would often make her presence felt strongly, and Emily would stare at her in despair, often remarking to her husband how fat she was or disconnecting from him completely. Seeing Chubs in the mirror chipped away at Emily’s self-esteem, as she joined in mentally with the remembered chants from her brothers and schoolmates.
Last year, Emily adopted a 4 year old girl. She was determined that her daughter would not suffer from the same fat-shaming messages that she had borne as a child and that she would not learn to hate her body from her mother’s example. So Emily started simply by deciding that she would only speak positively about herself and her body when her daughter was around.
After just a few weeks, Emily realised that she hadn’t noticed Chubs in the mirror for a while. After a few more, she couldn’t find Chubs in her reflection even when she looked for her. The simple act of shifting her focus and no longer feeding her emotional state with negativity about her body had produced a change of heart that Emily couldn’t have predicted. And in her determination not to teach her child negativity, she had stopped the supply chain of poisonous thoughts that had kept her at War with herself for so long. Chubs was gone – remembered with compassion for the child she was – and Emily (and no doubt her daughter & husband) were much happier for her absence.
On the War to Peace workshop, we look at how what we ‘feed’ ourselves affects our emotional state, which is a major factor in our becoming at War with ourselves others. What have you been ‘feeding’ yourself lately?
Over to you
– Are you at War with the version of you that you see in the mirror?
– What unhelpful long-held beliefs do you have about yourself that remain unquestioned or unchallenged?
– What one step could you take today to view yourself more helpfully?
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you, or someone you know, would love to spend more time at Peace in 2015, our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 20th March and we have just THREE spaces left!
Please note, we will not be running another public workshop until at least October, so if you want to attend sooner rather than later, do book your space here or please feel free to pass on this link to a friend, colleague or family member.
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Are you at War with the person in the mirror?
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©Halcyon Global 2015
Such a powerful post and beautifully written. Playground chants can be so damaging can’t they. I struggled with eating disorders for many many years. I’m making a concerted effort with my own daughter (also Emily) to only talk to her about her body when explaining how it works. It’s hard though – as a society we tend to praise girls for their appearance: ‘what a pretty dress’, rather than engaging in conversation in the same way we would with their brothers. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it.
Thanks Lisa and so pleased that you are using your past struggles to be conscious of the potential impact on your own daughter of these messages that are often unconsciously passed down through the generations. I had my own version of ‘Chubs’ going on for years and it can still raise its head from time to time, even all these years later! Love that there is so much wisdom published on these topics these days that can help us to be mindful and to know that our thoughts are simply thoughts that only have power once we attach meaning to them.