Lucy’s first waking thought every weekday morning was to wonder what sort of mood her boss was going to be in that day. On the train in to work, she would text her colleagues, hunting for clues as to the atmosphere in the office, preparing for the worst.
For when her boss was in a bad mood, it affected Lucy’s whole day. She often suspected that her work was partly the reason for her boss’s outbursts, and so spent time running herself down as well as feeling defensive and edgy when she had to be in the same room as him. Lucy would hide these feelings behind a well-practised smile when she was at work, only letting her guard down when she got home, where she often found herself taking out her frustrations on her partner.
Lucy’s feelings were tethered to her boss’s moods and it felt as though she could not escape. However, when she attended a recent War to Peace workshop, she realised that she had been blaming her boss’s moods for her own bad feelings and trying to appease him instead of working on the thing she did have control over – herself.
Control the Controllables
Lucy’s boss could have been grumpy because he slept badly the night before. Yet her assumption that her work was the cause was what made her most worried and defensive.
She had spent a lot of time trying to avert his mood swings when the only person’s mood she had control of was her own.
Lucy had been angry because she felt that, as a manager, her boss shouldn’t be so erratic. However, her presuppositions were more easily challenged and changed than his outlook.
Think about the weather. Whilst you might prefer the sun to shine warmly from a clear blue sky, sometimes it’s cloudy or rainy instead. Of course there is no way of controlling the weather (more’s the pity!), so if it looks inclement, you take precautions such as carrying an umbrella or wearing an extra layer or two. It might be disappointing if an outdoor event you had planned is rained off, but you find something else to do indoors.
In other words, you control the controllables.
What we don’t tend to do, as the first fat drops of rain land on our heads, is take it personally. Imagine asking yourself ‘is it just me it’s raining on?’, ‘is this because I was snappy with my partner this morning?’ or ‘I wonder if it will go away if I do a happy dance?’ Just think of the emotional drama that would ensue if you reacted like this! We can control other people’s moods about as much as we can control the weather, so trying to is as energetically expensive – and useless – as doing that happy dance.
Whilst her boss’s grumpiness might not have been pleasant, Lucy’s assumptions about it were making her feel a lot more anxious and angry. Once she had seen how this pattern fitted the Spiral of Disempowerment™, she decided to switch her energy from changing her boss to changing her perceptions of him.
Today, Lucy is much happier at work. Her boss still has his moments, but Lucy puts up her metaphorical umbrella and carries on with her day without taking it personally. Her partner is feeling the benefits too!
Over to you
The next time you feel at the mercy of someone else’s mood, stop and ask yourself what assumptions you are making and how your perceptions of that person’s mood may be making you more upset than the mood itself.
Notice what is controllable and what is not in your situation, and notice where you are spending your energy. Shifting your focus to the controllable is the equivalent of putting up your umbrella in the rain.
Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?
If you know someone who would benefit from learning how to control the controllables in their relationships with their family, colleagues and friends, we are running our next open-access War to Peace workshop in London on Friday 28 February (just 5 spaces left). To book a space, click here.
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‘How shifting your focus to what’s controllable is like putting up an umbrella in the rain.’
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©Halcyon Global 2013
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