The Spiral of Disempowerment™

If you want to better understand your relationship dynamics and the impact you are having on the people in your life, try out our FREE Spiral of Disempowerment™ tool:


When we are in conflict with someone or we’ve been triggered by something they have said or done, we tend to think they should change. In our War to Peace® methodology, we refer to this as being in the Red, which is a way of describing how we are being in any given interaction.

When we are in the Red we experience mental ‘spinning’, we become reactive and take things personally. We become invested in assigning blame for our feelings and actions, and become self-absorbed. It can feel as though we’ve tried everything with this person, but nothing works and they continue to invade our thoughts with their presence, even if we avoid seeing them in person.

When we are in the Red we become self-deceived and convince ourselves that someone (either us or them) is the problem. We typically focus on the other person’s shortcomings and fail to notice how our own behaviour and way of being is contributing to our difficulties.

If we do notice, we tend to believe that how we are being and our behaviour towards them is justified, necessary even. We tell ourselves that anyone would do the same under the circumstances. Often, we will have also enroled a number of allies to confirm that we are right about our assessment of the person and the situation.

The Spiral of Disempowermentreveals to us our role in the difficulty we are experiencing with them. It shows how our perceptions, beliefs and emotional state lead to a way of being that invites from the other person the very behaviour we say we want to change.

It is called the Spiral of Disempowermentbecause when we are in the Red with someone, it can seem as though we have no choice over how we are being, feeling or behaving towards him or her. It can feel like we’re going around in circles, with no influence over the other person. It is a very disempowering experience.

This is how we deceive ourselves into not taking responsibility for the relationship we have established. Completing the Spiral of Disempowerment helps us to uncover this self-deception and reveal new choices to us that we couldn’t see before.

Understanding my relationship dynamics: FREE Spiral of Disempowerment tool:


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