Posts Tagged ‘reacting to others’s behaviour’

Could you be (unintentionally) making things worse?

Monday, September 3rd, 2018

small__2271763055Richard was perplexed and annoyed. For the past few months, his colleague Julie had been moody, unhelpful and would barely look him in the eye. In meetings with other people present, she was as animated as she had always been, but if he was talking she would resume her sulky look. Richard had spent quite some time trying to work out what could be wrong, but Julie disappeared as soon as there might be an opportunity for him to talk to her about it.

Talking about his situation at an in-house War to Peace®workshop at work, Richard stopped and sighed. He admitted that he could really do without the hassle and stress of dealing with Julie right now. He told us that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer and he was having problems sleeping, as his wife would often have violent coughing fits and he would lie awake worrying about their future. When he went into work, he could really do without the added complication of a sulky colleague to deal with. Richard clenched his jaw and muttered, “I’ve just about had it up to here with her. I’ve tried to understand and she just avoids me. Sometimes I just want to yell at her!”

Another participant in the workshop cleared her throat and put up her hand to speak. She had struggled with whether to share this, but she had heard Julie talking to another colleague about her worries that Richard didn’t like her and didn’t think she was pulling her weight in the department. She had complained that Richard had been withdrawn for some time, and seemed distant and irritated. Julie was convinced it was because of her work and it would only be a matter of weeks before he got her fired.

file8061347830293Suddenly it was clear that Richard’s situation was a great example of the Spiral of Disempowerment™, which reveals to us our (often unconscious) role in the conflict. It shows how our perceptions, beliefs and emotional state invite from the other person the very behaviour we want to change. So Richard's worried, tired demeanour as a result of too many broken nights had been misread by Julie as a sign that he was irritated by her and dismissive of her work. Julie had felt rejected and defensive, which had meant that she behaved in a disconnected, sulky way with Richard. Her behaviour was then perceived by him to be obstructive and unhelpful - he felt first irritated and then dismissive, and so the cycle went on.

Just being able to see the situation from this viewpoint made things immediately clearer for Richard and he felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from him. He saw a different story from the one he had held previously, and he understood how Julie could have misread his behaviour at work. He vowed to talk to her about what he was going through at home so that she could understand the situation too.

A fortnight later, he emailed to tell us that the work environment was much easier. He had chatted with Julie and she had been very supportive - and was feeling relieved too, now that she knew her job wasn’t in jeopardy. They had both been amazed at the power of their own assumptions about the other to affect their feelings and behaviour. Richard now keeps a printout of the Spiral of Disempowerment™ by his desk to remind him to check how much he has unwittingly invested in any conflicts that arise.

Over to you

If you are in conflict with someone at home or at work, download the Spiral of Disempowerment™ tool and work through it. It’s a great way of seeing the part you play in the situation. If you need more help, come and join us at our next open-access War to Peace®workshop.

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace®?

If you know someone who would benefit from our award-winning War to Peace® work, our final open-access course for 2018 is on 5 October. To book click here. And if your team could benefit from an in-house workshop, contact us here.

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How to break the cycle of frustration

Tuesday, June 5th, 2018

As experts in conflict resolution and communication, you might think we notice conflict everywhere we go. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

The more we share this work and listen to the experience of our workshop participants, the more we understand that it’s really only a fraction of our interactions that cause us difficulties. The challenge is to stop those few difficult people from having a massive impact on our lives.

This scenario is one we’ve heard many times in different forms from participants in our workshops; see if you can relate.

Think of the most annoying person you know

Let’s call him John from the marketing department. He has a way of winding you up quickly and efficiently, and your colleagues agree that he is extremely annoying. This morning you had a run in with him that felt like the final straw.

But if you’re really honest, you have also have fallen into a pattern every time you encounter John. You anticipate his behaviour and, whatever he does, you heap your feelings and assumptions onto the already large pile that you have built up around John’s actions. It could be that he only has to look at you the ‘wrong way’ to start you off.

Take John’s actions today – at this morning's meeting – in isolation. Maybe he spoke a little loudly and interrupted you whilst you were speaking. If he had been a total stranger, would you have felt that tight, familiar knot of irritation so quickly in the pit of your stomach? Would you have cut off his conversation as swiftly as you did today?

What else might explain their actions?

What if you found out that John's annoying ways were driven by a misguided attempt to impress you because in fact he is intimidated by you?

Or that he has an anxiety disorder and acts the way he does to compensate for his panicky feelings?

If you can break down the ‘thing’ that you have created around John’s behaviour with your assumptions and shared history, you will find that you are able to be your normal, at ease, un-triggered self much faster.

The lens through which we view behaviour changes what we see

When we are in conflict with someone, whether at work or in our personal lives, it is very easy (and very common) to assume that all the unreasonable behaviour comes from them and we are the innocent victims of their irritating ways.

no-cycling-164123_640As we encounter the other person and their mannerisms again and again, we create mental threads of the things they do and say that wind us up. We weave stories and assumptions around these until we have made something quite substantial.

However, this ‘thing’ that we create is more of our making than the other person’s and affects the way that we behave when around them, often making the problem worse.

It's a cycle of frustration that gets in the way of us feeling at ease.

Finding ease with conflict

One of the ways to break the cycle of frustration is to ask yourself 'what else could this mean?' (the 'this' being the thing they say or do that bothers you). When we find someone especially challenging, we often make the meaning very personal to us.

We often believe the other person is doing things deliberately to annoy or antagonise us and we have tons of evidence to prove ourselves right.

The question is - would you rather stay being 'right' and harbouring all this malaise, or would you rather take your power back and be in control of how you are feeling and behaving around this person, no matter what they do?

Taking a different perspective

Another way is to imagine that a person you really like did the thing that this person does that bothers you so much. Consider how you would handle them.

Oftentimes we find that we apply very different rules to different people - it would be okay if x did that thing but if y does it, we are all over them like a rash!

Each time we challenge our own perceptions about someone's behaviour and consider them through a new lens, we are weakening the hold this person has over us and this gives us the power to break the cycle, and get back to being at ease - in other words, being our normal, un-triggered self.

You'll be amazed at how much easier life is when you are living it at ease and not beholden to other people's behaviour.

Understanding why we get frustrated

On the War to Peace® workshop, we explore this cycle using a tool called the Spiral of Disempowerment™ (you can download it here) which illustrates this pattern well.

Person A acts or speaks in a certain way, which is then perceived by Person B as being annoying or rude, Person B then acts or speaks to Person A differently, causing Person B to perceive Person A in a negative light, affecting their thoughts and behaviour… and so it goes on in a cycle of disempowerment and discontentment.

The good news is that cycles like these can be broken. In this case, the very first step is to recognise the pattern and to focus on changing the part that's in our control.

Over to you

In what ways can you recognise your own role in the Spiral of Disempowerment™? What could you do to break the cycle?

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace®?

If you would benefit from breaking the cycle, our next open-access War to Peace® workshop is on 13 July. Click here to find out more and book your place - only 4 spaces remain at the time of writing.

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Feeling frustrated with someone's behaviour at work? Here's how to break the cycle and find peace, from @halcyonglobal

 

 

 

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The War to Peace® experience: Gill and the redundancy negotiation

Tuesday, March 13th, 2018

The War to Peace® experience: real-life case studies from our workshop attendees. Here, Gill shares her experience of using War to Peace® in an emotional redundancy negotiation.

redundancy negotiations: an empty conference roomThe redundancy news came as a big surprise. All the roles in the team where I worked were going to go, and the initial communication wasn’t handled as smoothly as it could have been, so emotions were running high when negotiations about the settlement began.

There was no doubt, it was going to be a challenging time in terms of exchange of views. However, the experiences I’ve had in that area – including War to Peace® – meant I felt confident putting myself forward to be one of the employees on the consultation group.

Then I was voted to be the Chair – the one who led the employee group.

All of a sudden, there was a lot riding on my ability to stay calm, negotiate effectively, and manage a highly volatile situation.

My experience of War to Peace®

I first discovered War to Peace® via my husband, who had been working on a separate project to link War to Peace® with the the powerful ‘7 Elements’ Negotiation Methodology, which came out of Harvard. The efficacy of War to Peace® is that it helps people to remain un-triggered and authentic (in other words, the best version of themselves), which is especially helpful during interactions that are likely to be highly-charged. This, coupled with the interest-based negotiation tools in the 7 Elements, is a powerful combination.

So I’d experienced War to Peace® as well as having the tools to draw on for the negotiating itself.
Now, it was time to put these into practice.

First things first

One of the first things I did was to acknowledge to myself that this could well be an extremely challenging process. On top of the current issues, there were long standing resentments about things that had previously happened in the company. Some people were really angry, really upset; others had completely checked out of the process and needed to re-engage.

I started by asking myself: “How can I make sure that whatever happens, I am able to be in the moment where we can get the most done?”

I knew that was what I had to be sure of, in order to handle whatever unexpected things came up. To know that if a decision, action or behaviour triggered me, I’d be able to return to a place of being at Peace so that I could continue to move things forward as effectively as I could.

And I certainly needed to draw on that during the process.

The redundancy negotiation in practice

To give you an idea of the tensions involved: the first meeting, which I was only able to attend remotely, was a five hour teleconference – and it quickly escalated into an intense interaction.

A lot of my role involved communicating difficult news to the other employees; things that simply weren’t going to be changed. At times there was conflict within the consultation group; we had some legal involvement that didn’t always feel constructive. There were plenty of instances when things other people did or said would previously have made me furious.

Using War to Peace®, I was able to step away, and understand the 'why' behind those actions: someone who’s unhappy and doesn’t feel heard, for example.

I really found I could look beyond whatever behaviours were there. It put me in the best place possible to focus on the outcome – which was, ultimately, so much more effective than feeling angry or upset about other people's behaviour.

I had a language I could use to explain this to people too, even if they weren’t in the same place. I was able to say "It’s not that I’m not cross, or I don’t understand. I’m simply trying to find a way for us all to express our feelings without jeopardising something that we might have had agreed."

The outcome...

When it was all over, a colleague was keen to acknowledge my role. They said that the way I’d been during the negotiations had really changed people's focus, in a way that had a huge impact on the outcome.

Certain things people quite rightly had a gripe about we couldn’t change. The only thing we could do was explain why they had happened and make sure nothing like that happened again.

What we could do was work on other things; like fair remuneration for past work. Because those decisions were made closer to home, we were able to get people some quite significant financial compensation, depending on their position in the company. If we'd only focused on the things that people were unhappy about, this simply wouldn’t have happened.

The things we could change we did change, and a couple of the other decisions were really softened. Not just what was happening, but in the way we were communicated to. There was a specific letter which apologised for previous errors in communication, and overall the langauge of the communications became much more helpful; understanding rather than dictatorial.

How War to Peace® helped

I think without using the War to Peace® methodology, the situation could have been a total disaster. Instead, we were able to keep things constructive.

I reminded people at times that industries are never as big as you think they are – in high-emotion situations, it’s vital not to burn your bridges. You never know when someone you’re in conflict with will end up being a colleague, or your boss, at a later date. To put the best foot forward for yourself, it’s really important to be aware of how you’re being. You won’t want to be in a place where you’re so angry, that it spills over into how you show up at future interviews.

I felt I was able to offer some kind of map that said “Remember to be the best that you can be, even while you're seeking the outcome that you want”.

Without War to Peace®, there’s no way I would have had the propensity to be able to do it. After all, I’m not a robot – I still have things that trigger me! But I also know I don’t have to take things personally - and I've learned, crucially, how to choose how I feel about things, rather than being hijacked by my emotions.

I have real solutions that mean I don’t get stuck in emotional ruts and instead have concrete ways of changing things. Even if you’ve been fabulous at identifying places you get stuck or triggered, and being aware of them, having ways of getting yourself out of that place and changing how you're being just transforms everything.

Over to you

  • Have you ever experienced redundancy, whether you were the one leaving the company, or having to convey the news to others? What was it like?
  • What tools and resources do you draw on in high-emotion scenarios like this one?
  • Do you feel confident in your ability to advocate effectively for what you want without letting emotion take over?

Leave a comment below letting us know your thoughts.

War to Peace® workshops 2017-8

Our next open access workshop is on 13 July 2018. We have just 9 spaces left! Click here to find out more and book your place.

Ready to find out what the impact could be on your team sooner? We've been running in-house workshops using our award-winning methodology for over a decade; simply click here to get in touch or call us on +44 (0) 20 8191 7072 and let us know what you're looking for. To be the first to hear about our new open-access workshop dates, and get free monthly tips and strategies for your relationship challenges, just leave your name and email address below.

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“The whole team I worked in were being made redundant" Gill shares her high-stakes War to Peace® experience on the blog today.

 

 

 

Photo by Breather on Unsplash

Can you change a habit of a lifetime?

Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

Can you change a habit when it comes to challenging people in your life? I’ve noticed something happen time and again in the War to Peace® workshops I’ve held over the past decade.

A man's hands: Can you change a habit of a lifetime?Here’s what goes on: We break for lunch, and the participants head out to grab some food and headspace from the deep work we’ve been doing, becoming aware of how we’re being in the relationships in our life.

Some people decide to lunch together; others take a sandwich across the road to the park and recharge amid the ancient oaks, or explore the neighbourhood cafés.

We regroup for the afternoon session, and that’s when I notice it.

There’s almost always one participant whose face has changed entirely, almost beyond recognition.

Maybe they started the day with a worn, tired expression, and suddenly they look relaxed and awake. Often before I’ve asked them, they’re bubbling over to tell me what’s happened.

The reason is always the same: an internal shift when they’ve suddenly realised that a relationship in their life that they’d thought could never change suddenly feels different.

Can we really change the habit of a lifetime?

This kind of shift in perspective might seem far fetched until you’ve experienced it. And it’s definitely not “magic”, even though it can look like that from the outside.

The fact is, most participants don’t come to the workshop thinking about the really big relationships in their lives.

(Usually, the goal is to resolve something far closer to home: a dispute with a colleague, a neighbour, or a boss.)

But the tools we share are both practical and powerful, and once you become aware of what they can do, all sorts of new possibilities open up. You can read about Gordon's experience of exactly this here.

When we experience what it really feels like to be at ease with someone whose behaviour is challenging to us, without letting them off the hook, it’s inevitable that we begin to look at some of the bigger stuff.

That’s the change I notice on the faces of the people who come back from lunch with a totally different way of thinking about their dad, or their daughter, or their ex. Nothing about the other person has altered at all. What has shifted is how they’ve been able to move their focus from what the other person is doing, to what they themselves can do.

A real shift in what’s possible

There’s a huge freedom that comes when we are no longer waiting for someone to change or make amends in order for us to feel better.

Instead, we start to take ownership of our interactions. We’re not giving our power to the other person and so we’re able to be our calm, creative, resourceful selves.

We have more energy, more compassion, and greater capacity to focus on the things and people that matter to us (instead of the ones who drive us crazy).

What I love about sharing this methodology is that it can apply to any relationship we need it to. Big and small, from the people who’ve known us our entire lives to the new maddening hire in the office.

In the decade that War to Peace® has been around, thousands of people have come away from our workshops with a method that will help them navigate challenging and sensitive interactions in every area of their lives.

Curious? Find out for yourself

Our first public workshop of 2018 is on 2nd March and we have just 4 places left, so if you’re wavering, now’s the time to book! Click here to get your ticket and find out if you can change the habit of a lifetime. (And you have nothing to lose with our Wise Investment Guarantee, which offers you a full refund if you’re not satisfied*)

And to be the first to hear about our new workshop dates, sign up for our monthly blog posts containing tips and strategies for your relationship challenges.

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Can you change a habit when it comes to how you experience the most challenging people in your life? We're sharing the unusual experience we've noticed in several workshop participants

 

 

 

*Our Wise Investment Guarantee

If you leave one of our workshops and don’t feel better equipped to deal with the people you find difficult we will willingly refund your money. We believe wholeheartedly in what we do, we know it works and if it doesn’t work for you, we wouldn’t want you to pay us. If you are not satisfied with your experience, just return your course materials to us, give us some feedback on how we could have made it better for you and we will give you a full refund.

5 steps to stop conflict in its tracks

Monday, June 26th, 2017

You don’t have to be psychic to know when there’s conflict brewing.

There are some rare occasions when an argument or altercation arises out of nowhere. Most of the time, however, we have a sense that we’re not seeing eye-to-eye with someone a long time before the situation erupts.

A crystal ball: You don't have to be psychic to stop conflict in its tracksLittle niggles and irritations can easily mount up, especially when it’s someone you spend a significant chunk of your time with. A member of your team you work with daily is likely to rile you more quickly than that irritating person you only encounter at a quarterly meeting. (If it’s someone you share living space with, things are likely to come to a head even faster.)

Most of us don’t enjoy conflict, so despite our best intentions we tend to ignore our intuition when it comes to preventing it. We might decide to ignore it, hide the way we're feeling, or hope the person will change. Or we take the opposite tack, and decide we’ll approach it “head on”, reasoning that things need to come to a head so that we can “clear the air” by telling them directly what we'd like them to change.

The truth is, neither of those paths is satisfactory when it comes to effectively preventing or resolving conflict. There are far more effective ways to address conflict before it escalates – here are five steps you might want to consider to make that process flow a little easier.

1. Listen to your gut

If you have a sense that someone’s frustrating you, pay attention to it. You’re probably not hiding your feelings as well as you think and once you’re beginning to experience irritation with someone, you’ll almost certainly be giving off subtle indications that can exacerbate things.

Notice your physical response: do you feel tongue-tied, sweaty-palmed, or does your pulse race when you speak to them? Sometimes it’s just a feeling that you want to avoid talking to someone, or a sense that there’s “something going on” under the surface of your interactions. Take note – and be ready to start taking action.

2. Identify the issue

What’s at the crux of the matter? A general feeling of annoyance can feel hard to take action on. So a powerful place to start might be by asking yourself how you’d like the other person to change their behaviour. Maybe you feel as though they’re patronising you, acting more helpless than they seem, or being outright confrontational.

Is there something in their attitude that’s frustrating, or a specific behaviour you’d like them to change? Do you feel angry, resentful or upset when you interact with them?

3. Be Honest

Deciding that the other person’s just unreasonable, putting it down to a ‘personality clash’ or burying your head in the sand isn’t the answer to preventing things from getting worse. We might think we're hiding our feelings well, but most of the time the other person will sense that something's getting in the way of clear communication. Perhaps it's inconsistency, when we're submissive one day and assertive the next. Or it might be subtle signals unconsciously demonstrating that we're not connecting with their message, or respecting how they communicate.

The Spiral of Disempowerment® shows us that a breakdown in communication can easily deteriorate further. So try to be honest with yourself about how you feel, including everything that you've experienced.

4. Do the work

Knowing what it is you’d like to change opens up opportunities for you to reflect on how that need is showing up for you. We know that our ‘stories’ – our version of events – frame situations and can actually trigger the behaviour we’re trying to avoid. (That might sound counter-intuitive, but when we're immersed in our feelings, tiny changes in our attitude have a surprisingly big impact on the people we are seeking to change.)

So ask yourself how you're being in this interaction, and consider how you can take a different approach. It's important to remember that this isn't just about what you do, but about how you're showing up, so know that if you're feeling resentful, angry, intimidated, irritated, hurt, manipulated, shut down etc. it will be sensed on some level by the other person, no matter how well you think you are hiding it. The good news is, you don't need the other person to change in order for you to feel differently.

5. Move towards being at Peace

Being at Peace means returning to your natural, effortless, best self – without the headspace that's taken up by your ideas of what you'd like to change about the other person. It’s this transformation that will bring you the clarity, peace and calmness to be your best self, and can completely turn relationships around before they become outright conflict. In our War to Peace® workshop you'll experience the simple process you can use again and again to move out of conflict before it starts, and enjoy greater influence, clarity and productivity as a result.

It’s very natural to want to avoid conflict, or alternatively to feel as though things need to “come to a head” before we make changes. But being aware of how you are being before direct conflict arises is a much saner and smarter way to manage your relationships. In business, you’ll avoid derailing interactions at an inopportune moment. And, personally, you might be surprised, once you've worked on your own internal dialogue, how little you need the other person to change in order for you to have an easier relationship.

Over to you

  • Is there someone you avoid talking to when you can, or who you find yourself running over conversations with in your head after you’ve talked to them? Maybe you’ve found yourself offloading to a mutual acquaintance, seeking support from someone else who finds them difficult? It's great you've noticed this. Know this is a sign that you have been / are being triggered by this person, and means that you are allowing them to influence you to move away from being your best self.
  • Where are the “trouble spots” in how you are being, whether at work or at home? If you're struggling to answer this, just notice and firstly write down all your labels / thoughts about them. Then be honest with yourself about your feelings and external behaviours e.g. I feel resentful, I feel hurt, I feel angry, I withdraw, I get aggressive, I pretend I'm okay when I'm not, my tone of voice changes when I speak to them, I feel 'on edge', I can't find the right words, I try to out-smart them, I feel intimidated etc.
  • Consider new, more helpful labels for the people you're struggling with. What other labels could you give them or their behaviour (in your head or on paper) that would bring out the best in you? e.g. if you view them as over-critical of you, you could choose to see them as someone who cares about you (even though you find the way they are currently communicating this triggering); if you see them as "irritating" you could choose to see them as someone who is helping you to develop the skill of patience. Start experimenting with these labels to see how you can bring out the best in you when you next interact with them.

Need a hand? Or know someone who does?

Our next War to Peace® workshop takes place in October. These public events only run twice a year at the moment so if you’re interested in gaining the skills to manage all kinds of relationships, don’t wait to book your place. Click here for full details and to grab your spotPlease note, we have just 5 spaces left.

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You don't have to be psychic to know when conflict's brewing. 5 steps to stop it in its tracks, via @HalcyonGlobal

 

 

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©Halcyon Global 2017

Photo Credit: Christian Schnettelker/Flickr

Letting off steam – or blowing your top?

Monday, October 10th, 2016

When we’ve been wronged in some way by someone, it’s natural to feel hurt and upset. When people around us see that we are upset and ask about what’s happened, our instinct is often to tell them.

Imagine you are walking to work and a stranger barges into you, spilling coffee on your jacket and knocking you to the floor before disappearing without a sorry. When you arrive at the office, dishevelled, you are highly likely to tell your colleagues what happened – it can be cathartic to share the experience, after all. You're unlikely to see that person again and, when you have been given a coffee and commiserated with for a few minutes, you can clean up your jacket, take a deep breath and get on with your day.

letting off steamBut what about if the person who wronged you is someone you have to see regularly? A colleague, friend or family member, for example? Is it always healthy and cathartic to tell others about what has happened to you, or could you end up getting into an unhelpful place of gathering of allies?

Gathering allies is one of the signs of being at War (or going into conflict) that we talk about in the War to Peace workshops. If we are a country about to go to war – or a person about to become in conflict with someone – we've learned that it's in our interests to get as many people as possible to be on our ‘side’.

So the barging stranger example earlier isn’t generally going to be a War situation – it’s hopefully just an annoying thing that happened on the way to work.

But what about if Wendy still hasn’t written that report that you need for your presentation tomorrow – and she promised it three days ago? And what if she did this to you last week as well, and you had to pull an all-nighter to get ready for the big meeting? Is it OK to have a moan to your colleagues? You’re really annoyed, naturally, and it’s cathartic, right?

What about if your colleagues join in with your moan and tell you that Wendy left them waiting a few times too, and that her work was sloppy when it arrived? Would that make you feel better or worse? Does the conversation still feel cathartic, or is it starting to feel toxic? How would you feel if Wendy walked into the room as you were talking? And is your relationship with Wendy getting any better as a result of sharing your frustrations? Would you think to include the times that she had helped you or done some fantastic work in this conversation? (By the way, when we go to War with someone, it's largely unconscious and means it's usually very difficult to recall much good about the person or anything they've done).

There’s a big difference between a short ‘vent’ into a journal or to an unconnected friend and a gathering of allies such as the example above. The first allows us to let off steam, which often helps us to move on and deal with the problem at hand; the second only sends us further into the war zone by reinforcing to ourselves and others how 'right' we are about the person, and gathering further reinforcement and evidence of this from our allies. In short, it’s a quick route to being at War.

In the meantime, Wendy is wondering how she is going to get through another day on no sleep when she's been caring through the night for her sick mother for a month now. She's so distraught, she daren't talk about it for fear of crying at work and looking "unprofessional." If only you'd known what was going on for her...

Over to you

  • The next time you find yourself telling someone about a ‘wrong’, ask yourself: "Am I having a cathartic vent or gathering allies?"
  • Notice what story you are telling yourself and your allies. How do you feel about yourself and the person you talked about afterwards?
  • How can you find more inner resources at times of difficulty? (clue – try starting with the ideas in this post or this one)

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?

If you, or someone you know, would like to experience how to let off steam in a healthy way and learn how to be at Peace, even with the people you find most difficult, our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 3 March 2017. We only have 8 spaces left and spaces sell out quickly (especially our reduced priced tickets) so if you would like to attend, do book yours today.

P.S. Pass it on!

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Are you letting off steam or blowing your top?

 

 

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©Halcyon Global 2016

 

 

Are you seeing red with someone?

Monday, July 18th, 2016

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Jasper had been worried about money for about three years. Since his partner Ruth had become ill and unable to work, things had been tight. At first, they saw it as a sort of a challenge – they swapped energy providers and switched to own brand products at the supermarket and celebrated the savings they had made. They rented a cottage in the UK rather than going on holiday abroad. They cancelled their gym memberships and walked their dog Benjamin a lot more. They dipped into their savings pot because that’s what savings were for, right?

The last six months had felt bleak though. It was no longer a game. Any holidays at all were a distant memory, the savings fund had dried up and they never put the heating on despite freezing temperatures. They were defaulting on their mortgage payments and, to make matters worse, Ruth’s health was declining fast. Jasper couldn’t see any possible happy ending – he stood to lose his partner and his home and he felt desperate.

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Karen had been overjoyed when she got the job four months ago. It was a significant promotion for her and she loved the company she worked for, the position itself, which saw her having to be creative and innovative, and most of all she liked the team she was working with.

Well, all except one person. Since she had arrived, Karen had made a big effort to befriend her colleagues by chatting with them at work and socialising with them as much as possible after hours but Jasper seemed to resist all her attempts to strike up conversation. Every time Karen tried to engage with him, either by asking him opinion on a work related matter or just offering him a cup of coffee, she was met with unsmiling eyes and a polite but very brief answer to her question and nothing more. Jasper seemed to almost be going out of his way to avoid Karen and never joined in with the social activities when she was there.

Jasper’s reactions bothered Karen and she spent a lot of time worrying that maybe she had done something wrong or said something to annoy him. She just couldn’t shake the idea that it was something to do with her – maybe Jasper thought she wasn’t up to the job? These concerns were starting to make Karen doubt her abilities and question her new role in the company.

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When people that we come across are distant, abrasive or even aggressive, it’s very normal to put up our defences and go to War with them. Depending on what sort of person we are, these reactions can be self-questioning, aggressive, or judgemental (we use a framework called the ‘5 Shades of Red’ to better understand this on our War to Peace workshop). Whichever Shade of Red we go to, our reactions invariably only make the situation worse for ourselves and the person we are at War with, even if we try to hide how we’re feeling.

In the situation above, Karen has a very self-critical reaction to Jasper’s behaviour, which makes her unhappy and question her ability to do the very job she was overjoyed about just a few months before.

Another person in Karen’s position may have also gone into the Red but reacted by complaining about Jasper to the other members of the team, in an attempt to gather allies and make themselves feel somehow ‘more right’ about their difficult colleague.

Still others may have confronted Jasper, made disparaging remarks or denigrated him to the boss.

Yet, as we have seen, Jasper’s behaviour has very little to do with Karen and very much to do with the big worries he is carrying around with him.

It’s very easy to take the behaviour of others personally. But what if we stood back and imagined that other person’s apparently abrasive behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with us?

If Karen had known what was going on with her colleague at home, the chances are that she would treat Jasper (and herself) very differently, which would make her job enjoyable again, and would perhaps also make Jasper’s life a little easier at the same time.

Of course, we can’t always know other people’s stories and pains, but we can stop ourselves from making them up - and we can definitely learn how to stop reacting to their behaviour.

Over to you

  • What might happen if you decided that the behaviour or attitude of a person you're finding difficult to deal with has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you have done?
  • How might that new perspective benefit you? How might it benefit them?
  • What has been your own 'Shade of Red' in conflict situations? How do you tend to react when someone is abrasive or ignores you?

Do you know someone who could benefit from War to Peace?

If you, or someone you know, would like to experience and understand more about the impact on your life of being at War and learning how to be at Peace - yes, even with the people you find most difficult - our next open-access War to Peace workshop is on 7 October 2016. We only have one space left for this workshop! So if you would like to attend, do book yours today. Not sure if it's for you? Read what other people who have tried it have to say.

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Seeing Red with someone? Here's what to do about it. 

 

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©Halcyon Global 2016

 

photo credit: Bound to Ignite via photopin (license)