So you're right about this person. They really are disrespectful, rude, difficult, annoying, _______ feel free to fill in the blank with your own word that sums up the person you would happily NOT spend time with.
You know you're right about them, because they do that thing that bothers you every time you see them or speak to them. You probably find that this person occupies quite a lot of your head space. In fact, it's quite likely that you need only think about them to feel agitated.
On the plus side, you're not alone - everyone else you've spoken to finds them exactly the same as you do, so at least you can feel satisfied that you are absolutely right about them.
The problem is, this doesn't change anything; they still agitate you every time you encounter them. If you're lucky, the situation will stay the same, but most likely it will get worse and you will get more and more convinced that they’ll never change, despite your best efforts.
The nature of conflict
This is the nature of being in conflict with someone. Nothing you’ve tried has worked to make your relationship with them easier and you don’t know what else you can do. You may have given up on the relationship entirely and accept that you just have to tolerate them. The only comfort you have is your allies; they know just how you feel - they feel the same about them as you do!
Isn’t it curious that when we know we’re right about someone, we just feel compelled to find other people who agree with us? And don’t you find that if someone doesn’t agree with us, we find a reason to rapidly dismiss their opinion? I mean, if we really know we’re right about something, don’t we just know? Why then, do we need someone else to verify for us that we’re right?
Until Julie experienced War to Peace®, she was a master at enlisting allies. She had new evidence every time she encountered her boss that he was a bully and her colleagues all agreed with her. What she discovered at a War to Peace® workshop is that the need to recruit allies is a sign that she had been contributing to her relationship difficulties, but hadn’t been ready to take responsibility for this.
Once Julie realised this, she was able to take a closer look at her own role in the difficulties she was experiencing with her boss. This left her feeling much more empowered, able to assess the situation with more clarity and her focus shifted from needing to be right to seeing what she could do to improve the situation.
Julie not only has a much better working relationship with her boss these days, she knows that seeking out people who agree with her about someone is a clear sign that she is not owning her part in the relationship difficulty.
Over to you
This week, just begin noticing the times you enlist allies.
You might find that you do this quite subtly by, for example, raising your eyebrows at someone else in the room when the person you find difficult is saying something (you know how we do this, that look you give someone that lets them know what you think about this person). Or you might find yourself asking a carefully selected person the rhetorical “It’s not just me, is it?” question.
Want more support?
If you want to get more insight about the role you are playing in your relationships that aren’t working the way you would like them to, you are invited to take a look at our FREE Spiral of Disempowerment tool™.
And if you would like to experience our award-winning War to Peace® workshop, where you will genuinely learn how to stop undermining your relationship success, our next public workshop with spaces is on 3 March 2017 (just 8 spaces left).
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©Halcyon Global 2016